I’m slowly becoming more and more terrified about reaching a healthy weight

I have been overweight and obese my entire life. For real, people have even called my baby photos fat. I’ve also always been tall for a girl, especially through primary school. I’ve always “stuck out”.

I started properly losing weight in June after medical issues (24 and diagnosed with diabetes and severe hypertension. Yikes). As an adult I’ve always been in the 300-400 lb range. Honestly, I rarely, rarely weighed myself. Never in high school. The times I did weigh myself the last few years I was like high 300s. I’m currently 123kg (271 lbs) and have lost 36kg (78lbs) since the start of July.

My whole life, I’ve dealt with being fat. My whole life I’ve learned how to deal with people and how people deal with me as a fat person. I have always had incredibly low self esteem issues, and major anxiety issues, and I always thought it would all go away when I lost weight. But now that I’m actually doing it, I’m starting to realise it’s not going to go away. I seem to be getting worst, not better (I see a gp, psychologist and am on meds so not to worry - I am trying to get help).

So, I’m terrified because:

1) My whole life I’ve been treated as a fat person, and have learned to deal with people and all situations as a fat person. And soon enough, this is going to change. I’m terrified. I don’t know how to function in life as someone not obese. It’s like I’ve had a shield my whole life, or like I’ve been holding something my entire life and figured out how to do things while holding this thing..and now I am having to see a future where I don’t need to hold it. And it’s scary.

2) I’m realising my mental health issues and struggles and mindset and not going to disappear with the weight. My severe anxiety is not disappearing as the weight is. I’m still anxious about so many situations I should not be anxious about, and this in turn leads to me being depressed. I’m also waiting for my self-esteem to improve. I keep telling myself it will soon when more weight is lost, but I’m started to realise, maybe it won’t.

So yes, I’m terrified. I don’t know how to be a “healthy” sized person, and don’t know how to function in the world as one. And I’m terrified because my plan to become an amazing mentally healthy person with an ideal weight and a good life is clearly not happening.

I’m still obese and still have a long way to go, and I’m already becoming terrified. I keep having thoughts of wanting to sabotage myself and stop losing weight, but I won’t. But I am terrified.

Just needed a place to share! Don’t worry I’m not having a mental breakdown or anything right now, I’m doing the right things for my health and have medical support, but I just needed a place to share this, as it’s been on my mind a lot and I just need to talk about it somewhere.

Thank-you for reading! Please feel free to share if you have advice or you’ve had similar thoughts or anything :)

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