Getting really real. I fucked up, but I’m not going to forgive myself. I’m going to apologize.

A few days ago i posted about self-love and acceptance and how you cannot lose weight overnight and to be proud of where you are, it did so well.

But I didn’t really believe it. I posted it because I’ve been trying this thing where I talk to myself like I would talk to a close friend, and I wanted to put my thoughts out there, and it clearly resonated with a ton of people. Why? Because it’s good advice. I just couldn’t bring myself to believe that I was also worthy of following it.

The last few days, I’ve been weighing myself 2-3x a day. Looking in the mirror and despising what I see, regardless of the 30lbs I no longer carry with me. Obsessively using online calculators to see how quickly I’ll lose weight so I can estimate the exact day where my life will finally be worth living. And tonight it finally broke me. I was hungry because I’d been restricting too much, so I went to the kitchen and stood in front of the fridge calculating calories in my head and figuring out what was the most worth it to me to eat. And I was so terrified of eating this 200 calorie protein cookie I baked that I ate half a 90 calorie power bar. And then I ate a few cheezits. And then I ate more things, and more snacks and then I’d ended up consuming about 400 calories I didn’t even get to enjoy.

I felt my eating disordered tendencies creeping up for the first time since the end of May when I started. I’d just eaten emotionally. I thought, “I’m not supposed to do that anymore”. I thought that I was past this. And I’d eaten so fast that my stomach was churning, and I threw it all up. And all of that shame I always felt in the heat of my eating disorder came rushing back.

But instead of beating myself up, instead of writing myself off as a failure and a lost cause, I’m coming here to get real and tell my story and deal with these emotions that made me do this head on. Life is hard, and losing weight is even harder. It’s a highly emotional journey, and the pressure broke my supposedly iron-clad resolve. I was feeling so much pain that I resorted to my original coping mechanism. I wasn’t being kind to myself and I snapped. But i’m not going to forgive myself for reacting this way. Instead, I’m choosing to apologize to myself. I deserve to treat myself better, and I’m going to try my hardest, even when the going gets tough. I deserve love, and kindness, and acceptance.

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but we all hit bumps in the road. I finally hit mine, and it hit hard. But all I can do now is understand and learn from it, and use it as motivation to keep going. You can only be successful in this if you love who you are. No matter how many pounds you lose, you are still you, and losing those pounds will not magically uncover that self love you crave. You have to just do it anyways. Right now, extra weight and all. And I really, truly know that now.

Goodnight reddit, thanks for letting me get real.

submitted by /u/IntrinsicCryBaby
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