I'm slowly hitting the weight at which I got assaulted and I'm binging instead.

So I have technically lost 53 lbs since May.

I say technically because I can't really get on the scale right now.

Three weeks ago I hit 221 lb.

6 years ago and 2 months I got physically assaulted by a family member. It really messed me up.

After 2 years of maintaining a weightloss of 47 lbs, I suddenly started gaining weight. I remember feeling insane hunger all the time.

It was awful. Over 4 years I gained 55 lbs. I was heavier than I'd ever been.

And now I'm here again. And it's been 3 weeks and I can't do cico tracking even at tdee.

If I know I'm at my tdee, I just end up eating more.

If I stop tracking for two days, eat when I want and just write down my foods, and then insert it into my loseit app, I end up overeating by nearly a 1000kcal daily.

After months of eating 1200-1600 kcal a day and even doing IF, I just can't stop myself from eating. I'm literally binging till discomfort.

I admitted it to my partner today. And then I started crying because I thought about the number on the scale and then I started shaking while talking to him on the phone.

Mind you, I did a year of trauma therapy for it. I felt okay about it. But I stayed fat the entire time. I told myself that I'd start losing when I was ready. Well may have this year my health started to deteriorate and I made a decision and I stuck to it for 4 months.

And now it's like I've lost my shield.

Further therapy is not a possibility because it's not covered under my health plan and no one locally uses a sliding scale. I used up all the time free one I was using. (For victims of violence).

I don't really know what to do anymore. It's not like I even enjoy the food I'm eating I just eat it compulsively to get me from moment to moment.

I tried meditating today. It helped me calm down after the phone call.

I hate that I feel like I have no control and that I'm very near gaining back the weight. I'm perpetually bloated.

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